“Green Jello”
Principles of Conflict Resolution
(Sarita's "signature story" excerpted from her book If You Can't Say Something Nice, What DO You Say?"

Principle #1: Figure out the REAL agenda

Often the real –sometimes hidden – agenda in a conflict is something like ego, turf, power, control or other self-serving issues.  You may have noticed this both at work and at home.

 
Principle #2:             Have a plan B (or C, D…)

When you go into a conflict situation, do you just have one idea about how the conflict might be resolved?  If so, you may find yourself getting “ugly” and inflexible when the other person chooses not to “buy into” your way of doing things.  It’s always helpful to have a plan b, c, d….

My big epiphany regarding the two principles came on a Sunday morning ten years ago.  I was standing in the kitchen fixing breakfast. This is always a big deal because I don’t cook a big breakfast every day.  Just on Sundays.
My daughter, who was four years old at the time, came into the kitchen, opened the refrigerator and noticed a four-pack of green jello.
“Mommy,” she asked “May I have a green jello?”
 
At this point I hesitated, contemplating whether or not I wanted her to have it.  Afterall, I was fixing breakfast.   However, I said “OK, you may have one.”
 
She took the jello, slurped it up and returned only moments later. “May I have another one?”
 
This time I said “No!”
 
She dropped to the floor in a tantrum. She shrieked in a high pitched, shrill, whiny voice
 
that sounded much like the sound of fingernails scratching against a chalkboard. “I want
 
jello, I want jello!”
 
As my daughter writhed on the floor in a full blown tantrum, I looked at her. Without
 
sympathy, I said “Crying will not help you!”
 
 
Let’s talk now about the husband.
 
Husband:  (shouting from the living room): “Give her the @*# jello!”
 
Sarita:  “Honey, I’d rather not give it to her. I’m fixing breakfast.”
 
Husband:  “What’s the BIG DEAL! Just give her the jello!”
 
Sarita: “I’d rather not.” 
 
 
At that point, husband and I are at each other’s throats.
 
“Jello!”
 
“No jello!”
 
“Jello!”
 
“What’s wrong with this picture?” I asked myself.   “I make a living teaching others
 
conflict resolution, teamwork, dealing with negativity, and communication skills.  Surely
 
I was NOT engaged in a conflict over…“GREEN JELLO!!!?”
 
Then it occurred to me.  The two important aspects of conflict resolution.  Or, as I now
 
call them:  The “green jello” principles!
 
 
Principle #1:  Figure out the REAL AGENDA
 
So…what might have been husband’s not so hidden agenda in this Sunday morning scenario?
You guessed it…SHUT THE CHILD UP!
 
And, what might have been my agenda?  When I’ve shared this story in my presentations
 
I have heard many speculations about my REAL agenda:
 
“I’m cooking breakfast over this hot stove...somebody better eat!” (Ego)
 
“Crying will NOT be rewarded!”  (Discipline)
 
“I’m the mommy here!” (Control)
“I want those other jellos for myself!”  (Self Serving)
“Shut husband up!” (Power/Turf)
This is no different than how conflict happens outside of the kitchen and inside the
 
workplace.
 
Coworkers may say: “Our department can’t support that program because of pressing
 
deadlines for our priority projects!”
 
Yet, what they may really mean is:
 
“You didn’t help us with our project last year, so we’re not going to help YOU!”   (Self
 
serving)
 
“That project should really be ours!” (Ego, turf)
 
“If we can’t do the project the way we want we don’t want to be part of it!” (Control)
 
 
Often it’s not  about the proverbial green jello at all.  Yet, many times we get caught
 
up in the superficial and overlook the real underlying issues.  The solution in this type of
 
situation is to ask questions and explore further.
 
Key phrases for digging beneath the surface to find out what’s really going on are:
 
“I’m getting the impression that…”
 
“I noticed _____ and I’m wondering ______.”
 
“It seems like…”
 
“What else concerns you?”
 
“I feel like there’s more to this than meets the eye.”
 
“I feel like there’s something else bothering you.”
 
 
 
Principle #2:             Have a plan B (or C, D…)
 
Isn’t it interesting that we often bring only one option to the table in a
conflict situation, especially at work.  The goal then, is to have as many options in mind as possible AND be open to options that may be proposed by the other person.  Have you
noticed that the most negative and desperate people are those who feel they have no choices? 
The more choices and options you have the more positive you can be in general, and the more productive in resolving conflicts.
 
This brings me back to the kitchen that Sunday morning ten years ago.
 
Husband’s agenda was peace and quiet…and perhaps some need to control the situation.
 
My agenda ranged from discipline and control to my own self-serving goal of hoarding
 
the Jello for myself.
 
So…the million-dollar question: What plan b, or plan c, will address these multiple
 
agendas?
 
WHAT ARE THE OPTIONS?
 
Those who have heard me tell this story, have shared many possible options:

“Tell her she can have more Jello after breakfast.”
 
“Get on the floor and cry with her.”

“Send her to a ‘time out’.”
 
“Distract her with something else to do.”
 
“Dump all the Jellos out.”
 
“Tell the husband to get her the Jello himself.”
 
“Let her eat the Jello for breakfast and have the breakfast later.”
 
And, my all time favorite suggestion:
 
“Go to McDonalds for a Happy Meal and leave husband and daughter home!”
 
 
That Sunday morning, I contemplated the many strategies available to me.  “If you can
 
get up off the floor and act like a big girl,” I said to my daughter, “then you can assist me
 
in preparing breakfast.”   (That’s the “Distract her with something else” option. )
 
 
She leapt up from the floor, happy to help me with breakfast.  Once again, it wasn’t about the green jello.  Conflict resolved.  Peace and quiet for husband.  No spoiled appetite and the remaining three jellos still intact.  The next time you find yourself in a conflict  -- in the kitchen or in the staff meeting – dig beneath the superficial “green jello.”  Use key phrases such as “it seems like” and “I’m getting the impression…” to figure out the real agenda.  Explore the possible angles by asking such questions as:
“What are our options?”
“How can we resolve this?”
“How can we make this work?”
“What do you need from me?”
“Could you live with it if we…”
“How might we gain your cooperation?”
“What do you think about…”

Sarita's 50 Phrases for All Occasions

– Collaboration, Communication and Conflict Resolution

1. I need your help
2. Let’s…
3. Can we…
4. Could you please…
5. What are the options?
6. What’s plan b?
7. How can we make this work?
8. How can we resolve this?
9. What do you need from me?
10. Help me understand.
11. So what you’re saying is…
12. I’d like to make sure we’re on the same page.
13. I’m getting the impression that…
14. It seems like…
15. I feel that…
16. I think that…
17. When you say _____, it makes me feel_________.
18. When you do _____, the way it affects the staff is _______.
19. I noticed ______ and I’m wondering _________.
20. I thought you’d want to know that…
21. I’m concerned…
22. I would appreciate…
23. What will it take?
24. Would it be possible to…
25. Would you consider…
26. Would you be willing to…
27. I’d like your thoughts on…
28. Could you live with it if we…?
29. How might I gain your cooperation?
30. What do you think about…?
31. How about…
32. How would you feel about…
33. Would you be open to…
34. Would you be OK with…
35. I would like your support.
36. Can you be more specific?
37. Tell me more.
38. How do you mean?
39. What do you suggest?
40. In your opinion, what should be done?
41. I appreciate the offer, however I’ll pass
42. I appreciate your considering me, however I need to decline
43. I’ve chosen to opt out of…
44. I would prefer…
45. I appreciate your letting me know
46. Thank you
47. Fantastic!
48. Way to go!
49. Well done!
50. You rock!

TO CONFRONT OR NOT TO CONFRONT?

That is the question.   Do you confront the cranky coworker, annoying neighbor, overbearing boss…or just let it go?

If you’re trying to decide whether confronting a current difficult situation makes sense or not, take a look at the two tips below.  Then try the three step A.I.R. approach to sharing your concerns.  This will come in handy both at work and at home.

Ask yourself:

1)     Why are you confronting?

If it’s just about you wanting to be “right” don’t do it.  But, if someone’s behavior is having a negative effect on you or others, it is worth saying something…and letting the person know specifically the negative impact of his or her behavior.  (i.e. – “When you interrupt I feel like you’re not interested in what I have to say” or “When you arrive late it throws off everyone else’s schedule.”)

2)     What are the consequences of NOT confronting?  

Much like dirty dishes left sitting in the sink, confronting only gets “grungier” and more difficult as time passes.  If your resentment is building and your attitude is growing sour is probably time to say something.  Worse, letting the situation continue, might also be affecting the people around you.

Use "A.I.R." to Confront

When you are ready to confront, use AIR: A- Awareness, I- Impact, R-Request.
This three-step model for constructively confronting a negative situation is a great tool in a variety of challenging situations.  

A - AWARENESS –

Assume that other people are not aware of the problems that their actions are causing. Give them the benefit of the doubt.   When I do workshops on dealing with workplace negativity, participants sometimes tell me that they were sent to the seminar to get their negative attitudes “fixed”.  Many of them also quietly confess that they were not aware of the negative impact of their behavior. They had been walking around with the proverbial spinach in their teeth and no one had told them.  

Following are possible phrases that you can use to make the other person aware of your concerns while giving him or her the benefit of the doubt.  Choose the ones you like the best.

“Awareness” phrases include:

“I don’t know if you’re aware of it…”
“I’m sure that it wasn’t your intention to…”
“Perhaps you didn’t realize that…”
“As you may already know…”
“I noticed that…”
“I’m getting the impression that…”
“It seems like…”

I - IMPACT-

This second step is a great litmus test when you are still unsure of whether or not to confront.  This is the “so what?” question.  Why confront?  Oh, that’s right – the person’s behavior is negatively affecting you or others.  This is the time to share with the other person HOW the behavior is negatively impacting you, the team, or whomever it affects.  Sometimes the behavior is even be having a negative impact on them (for example – “when you turn in your part of the project late and we miss the deadline, I’m concerned that it makes us both look unprofessional”)

“Impact” phrases include:

“I’m concerned that…”
“I worry that….”
“I feel that…”
“When you do ______it makes me feel ________”
“When you say______the way it affects the office is ______”

R - REQUEST (not a demand) -

Specifically, what do you want the person to do differently next time?  In what way would you like them to change?  
This step is the most overlooked of the three steps.  It is easy for most people to identify what they don’t want.  For example: “ I wish my co-workers would stop complaining all the time”.  But what do you want them to do instead?  Keep concerns to themselves? Find a positive way to express their concerns?  Complain to the boss or someone who can change things?  Figure out solutions to the concerns?  The list of possible changes is long.  Most people are not mind readers, so you must let them know what YOUR preference is.
By the way, standing in the middle of the office and muttering to no one in particular, “Sure would be nice if someone would answer the phone”, does not count as a request.   Requests must be clear and shared with a specific person.

“Request” phrases include:

“Would you be willing to…”
“Could you please….”
“In the future I would like you to…”
“Next time I would appreciate…”
“I really need your help with…”
“I would rather you…”

Or, if you want to request input regarding future action, use:

“Would you be willing to agree to…”
“How can we resolve this?”
“What are our options?”
“Would you consider…”
“Would it be possible to….”
“Let’s…”
“Can us…”

So, to confront or not to confront?  If it’s not about you being “right” and the behavior is negatively impacting you or others, confront!   And, use A.I.R.!    

Sarita’s Top 10 Favorite Icebreakers & Get Acquainted Activities --  Plus BONUS Brainteaser!
 
1.         What’s in your wallet?
Participants share an object from their wallet/purse which represents them and explain why.
 
2.         Guess Who?
Participants write on an index card six adjectives that describe themselves.  Cards are collected, shuffled and dealt.  Each person reads the adjectives and attempts to identify which person in the group the card describes.
 
3.             Magazine Puzzle Hunt 
This activity is used to divide your staff into smaller groups.  In advance, cut magazine pages into 6-8 pieces (# of pages should equal # of groups desired).   Scramble and distribute one piece to each person.  Participants mingle and form groups as they put their puzzle together.
 
4.         Song Tunes
To divide your staff into smaller groups, give each participant a piece of paper with a well known but simple song title on it (For example – Happy Birthday, Row Your Boat, Jingle Bells).  Participants mingle and hum the song tune until they find other participants humming the same song.
 
5.         Life Line
Have each person draw a line on a piece of paper with 0 on far left end.  Instruct each person to write on the line at least 5 significant events and at what age each occurred.  Share in pairs or small group.  For example:
 
0--Spelling Bee (age12)--College (age18)---Married (age 25)—Sales Award (age 29)
 
6.         M&M Sharing
            Circulate a bag of M&Ms asking each person to take as many as they want.  The number of M&Ms each person takes is how many personal facts he/she must share with the group.  Best for small groups of less than 20 people.
 
7.         Truth, Truth, Lie
Participants write down three facts about themselves. Two facts must be  true and one fact must be false.  Other person(s) guesses which one of the three facts is false. Can be done in pairs or small groups.
 
8.         Name Game
Participants introduce themselves using a descriptive word that begins with same letter as their name (ex – Smiling Sarita, Sensational Susan, Perfect Paul).  The real fun is that participants must repeat all of the preceding descriptions and names prior to stating their own. This is good for newly formed groups of 30 or less.
 
9.         Human Scavenger Hunt
In advance, create a page of descriptions about people in the group.  Some items can be very specific based on facts you know about group members; some of info can be generic.  Each person must mingle and get the signature of the appropriate person/s.  First one to get all items signed wins.
For example-
Find someone who….
-Has been with the company more than 5 years
-Has traveled outside of the US
-Participates in the same hobby you do
 
10.       Who Am I?
The name of a famous person is taped on the back of each person.  Participants mingle and ask each other YES or NO questions to determine the identity of the person on their back...  (For ex – Am I a politician?  Am I a woman?  Am I someone who is over age 30?)  You can also create a theme such as names of characters from a certain movie or TV show.

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1. Contact Sarita via Contact Page to be added to Sarita's monthly "What DO You Say" Communique Email List
 

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